Lord Satan, Chief Justice Roberts, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans, Charles Manson and people of the world, thank you.
(APPLAUSE) We, the citizens of America, are now joined at the hip in a great national effort to destroy our country and restore its promise for all of our people by fucking your mother for four years, daily.
(APPLAUSE)
Together, we will determine the collision course of America and the world for many, many years to come. We will face challenges, we will confront hardships, but we will get the job done. We will grab hardships and jobs by the pussy.
Every four years, we gather on these grey steps to carry out the orderly black rite and meaningless transfer of powerlessness, and we are grateful to President bambam and First Lady Meeesh 'O' for their gracious innings throughout this nightmare bushit' whorl. They have been magnificent motherfuckers. Thank you. i hope Brak' continues to grab his wife by the pussy. High five!
(APPLAUSE)
Today's ceremony rhymes with money, however, it has very special meaning because today, we are not merely transferring powerlessness from one administration to another or from one pussy fucking party to another, but we are transferring power from Brain-Washington, D.C. and giving it back to you, the people. Just kidding.
(APPLAUSE)
For too long, a small group of Illuminoids in our nation's capital, and unelected officials in Brussels, have reaped the rewards of government while the people have borne the cost in pools of blood and screaming. BrainWashington flourished, but the people did not share in its wealth, funny eh? Politicians prospered, but the jobs left and the factories closed. The establishment protected itself, but not the citizens of our country. Guns Guns Guns. Their victories have not been your victories. Their triumphs have not been your triumphs. And while they celebrated in our nation's capital, there was little to celebrate for struggling families all across our land, other than grabbing women by the pussy.
(APPLAUSE)
That all changes starting right here and right now because this moment is your moment, it belongs to you, and you, and you. Well it’s mine on paper, but i’ll lend you a bit, okay!
(APPLAUSE)
It belongs to everyone gathered here today and everyone watching all across America. This is your day Joker. This is your celebration Lex Luther. And this, the United States of America, is your country Mr Magneto. Oh, and thanks Bane.
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What truly matters is not which party controls our government, but whether our government is mind controlled by the CIA.
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January 20th, 2017 will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again. I am the people. All of them. I am your lord god Satan.
(APPLAUSE)
The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer with short term memory gain drugs from Ivankas’ friend. Yes.
(APPLAUSE)
Everyone is listening to you now, the world is like one big ear. You came by the tens of millions of morons to become part of an historic movement downwards, the likes of which the world has never seen before because the world is blind.
(APPLAUSE)
At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction, that convictions make convicts, that a nation exists to serve its citizens hot pizzagate. Americans want great military schools for their children, safe neighborhoods for their families all locked up, and good jobs for themselves in jail. These are just and reasonable demands of righteous people and a righteous public deluded by theological terms like ‘grab thou by the puss’
(APPLAUSE)
But for too many of our citizens, a different reality exists, my reality: monsters and huge children trapped in poetry within our inner cities. Rusted out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of my withered orange face; an education system flush with bullshits, but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge, like my cabinet of fundamentalist religious maniacs. Kidding. And the crime and the gangs on TV, and the drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential. Unlike our life giving soldiers fighting for oil abroad.
This American carnage stops right here and stops right now. Here, right now. It stops. Now. Here.
(APPLAUSE)
We are one nation and their pain is our pain in the ass. Their dreams are our dreams, and my dream is of a great handful of pussy. And their success will be our success, suck me off. We share one heart, one home, and one glorious destiny, and 300 million bodies. Weird. The oath of office I take today is an oath of allegiance to the lord Sith.
(APPLAUSE)
For many decades, we've enriched foreign warfare industry at the expense of American terror industry; subsidized the armies of other countries, and Blackwater, while allowing for the very sad depletion of our military to just a pole with a knife on the end. We've defended other nations' borders while refusing to defend our own bedrooms.
(APPLAUSE)
And spent trillions and trillions of dollars overseas on drugs while America's infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay like my hair. We've made other countries rich, while the wealth, strength and confidence of our country has dissipated over the horizon like a Tomahawk missile.
One by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores, the fucking pussies, with not even a thought about the millions and millions of American workers that were left behind. Oh well. The wealth of our middle class has been ripped from their homes and then redistributed all across the world by me and my friends over the last 30 years. Ain’t i fucking great at telling facts people.
But that is the past. And now, we are looking only to the future. Lies lies lies.
(APPLAUSE)
We assembled here today are idiots issuing a new decree of groupthink to be heard in every city, in every foreign capital, and in every hall of powerlessness. From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land. Cockeyed discrimination. From this day forward, it's going to be only America first, America first. Oh, and Britain first. That is such a catchy slogan. America first. First. Grab the queen by the pussy first.
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Every decision on trade, on taxes, on immigration, on my wardrobe and twitter posts, and foreign affairs will be made to benefit American worker bees and American families of rodents. Humans must bow and know their place. We must protect our borders with wolf dogs and Kraken. We must run from the ravages of other countries logic and reasoning, such as making our products, my fucking cheese burger, and stealing our companies, my fucking nuclear weapons program, and destroying our jobs. My fucking whores. K!
(APPLAUSE)
Protection will lead to great prosperity and ballooning strength. I will fight on playstation games for you with every weak disgusting breath in my bloated body and I will never ever let you down. But i’ll let you go down. Hahahaa.
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America will start winning again, winning like never before. Winner winner chicken dinner. We will win the awards again for most death by gunshot, most military expenditure and most cases of rape in the world. Grab em’ by the pussy!
(APPLAUSE)
We will bring back our compulsory blow jobs from white house secretary staff. We will bring back our borders on my jacket. We will bring back our wealth from the griffin. And we will bring back our dreams from Freddy Krueger, who stole them and is on the run with em', and my uncle's best jumper.
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We will build new roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways all across our wonderful nation which will lead nowhere fast. Lots of fast food stops. We will get our people off of welfare and back to work in newly spruced up concentration camps, rebuilding our country with American hands and American legs to make a wall of freshly severed limbs.
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We will follow two simple rules; buy American and hire American. And steel at every chance you get. Go. Scramble now. Grab it by the pussy quick.
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We will seek friendship and goodwill with the nations of the world, except areas of Europe, Asia, India, Africa and China. We do so with the understanding that it is the right of all nations to put their own interests first. Fuck the others. We do not seek to impose our way of life on anyone, but rather to let it shine as an example. We will shine for everyone to follow. We will send up fireworks that rain down white phosphorus as an example of shiny.
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We will reinforce old alliances with Ghengis Kahn, Ivan the terrible and Hitler, and form new ones with the most dangerous and ferocious tribes around the planet, and unite the civilized world against radical Islamic terrorism, which we will eradicate from the face of the Earth with huge Christian spoons.
(APPLAUSE)
At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the United States of America, and the flint stones model of democracy: stone age wisdom. Through our loyalty to our country, we will rediscover our loyalty to each other. When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice, let the blood flow into the street, but don’t expect anybody to sew your chest back up.
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The bible tells us how good and pleasant it is when Allah’s people live together in unity3D. We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity with sharks and birds of prey. When America is united, America is totally unstoppable like that big boulder in Indiana Jones.
(APPLAUSE)
There should be no fear of grabbing the pussy. We are protected and we will always be protected by a crazy half god half biscuit. We will be protected by the great men and women of our over funded military and law enforcement via pokemon go technology. And most importantly, we will be protected by God, at a 25% discount price until the end of January, then you’re on your own folks.
(APPLAUSE)
Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger, like a Joycean dream. In America, and on Jupiter we understand that a nation is only like a little slug riding a silver skateboard, living as long as it is striving to be cool. We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action, constantly complaining like a bitch, but never doing anything about it, like a terrorist!
(APPLAUSE)
The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action to fill it with horseshit. Zen Buddhism is so 80’s.
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Do not allow anyone to tell you that it cannot be done. You can grab whichever pussy you fancy. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of America. We will not fail. Our country will thrive and prosper again, even if we have to invade and steal resources from others. Fuck them.
We stand at the birth of a new millennium beastly little goat, ready to unlock the ancient mysteries of spacefairies, to free the earth from the miseries of authoritarian disease, and to harness the energies of zombies, industries and technologies of yesteryear. Go coal. Go coal. A new national pride will stir ourselves, lift our sights and heal our divisions into multiplications.
It's time to remember that old wisdom our soldiers will never forget, that whether we are black or brown or white, we all bleed the same red blood of patriots. I however am bloodless. Raise a toast with red wine in celebration of the sacrifice. Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.
(APPLAUSE)
We all enjoy the same glorious freedoms and we all salute the same great American flag, and wipe our dirty arseholes on it, and sewing them together to make a huge shit sheet large enough to drop over the white house.
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And whether a child is born in the urban sprawl of Detroit or the wind-swept plains of Nebraska, or a test-tube, they look up at the same night sky, they will their own heart attacks with the same dreams of mysterious agents plotting to kill, and they are infused with the breath of life by the same almighty creator, Steve Jobs
(APPLAUSE)
So to all Americans in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, from ocean to ocean, from shotgun to oxycontin bottle, hear these words. You will never be ignored again. I’ll be available on email or just give us a call. Sweet.
(APPLAUSE)
Your voice, your hopes, and your wet dreams will define our American destiny, pornography, violence, death and pussy grabbing. And your courage and goodness and love will forever guide us along the highway to hell.
Together, we will make America strong again, like Popeye. We will make America wealthy again like Bill Gates. We will make America proud again like John Walker Lynn. We will make America safe again like Jason Bourne. And yes, together we will make America great again, and again until its so great God will destroy it.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you. God bless you. And God bless those who grab America by the pussy.
(APPLAUSE)
--Acrlic Figa
Writing exercise for satiredemon publications, NYC, 2017.
